{"id":52371,"date":"2023-01-11T07:00:18","date_gmt":"2023-01-11T15:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dvan.org\/?p=52371"},"modified":"2023-01-11T10:36:38","modified_gmt":"2023-01-11T18:36:38","slug":"whats-the-vietnamese-word-for-frustrated-by-angelina-tram-nguyen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dvan.org\/2023\/01\/whats-the-vietnamese-word-for-frustrated-by-angelina-tram-nguyen\/","title":{"rendered":"What’s the Vietnamese Word for Frustrated?"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n

This essay is part of our\u00a0\u201cOn Mothering and Language\u201d<\/a>\u00a0series.<\/em><\/p>\r\n

\"\"
“sketch, mother and child” by herselfsurprised (Flickr<\/a>)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\r\n

I want to hit my one-year-old baby.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

He\u2019s throwing another tantrum. It has become a daily routine at daycare pickup since he aged into a new class three weeks ago. He appears calm in class, suspiciously too quiet. \u201cHe\u2019s such an angel,\u201d his new teacher says at pickup. \u201cI wish other kids can sit still like him.\u201d As soon as we get in the car, however, he releases all the emotions he bottled up during the day. Amidst a storm of screams and tears and flailing arms I try to say, \u201cM\u00ecnh\u00a0\u0111i v\u1ec1 nha. M\u1eb9 \u0111\u00e2y. M\u1eb9 ch\u1edf con v\u1ec1.\u201d\u00a0Overwhelmed with big feelings, he\u00a0fights with all his strength to resist getting in his car seat.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

When I was growing up this kind of behavior would\u2019ve gotten me a severe beating, smacks in the car followed by bruising blows from a broom handle at home. My parents thought it was disrespectful to express feelings, positive or negative ones, in response to their commands. When they told me something, I listened and obeyed. I wasn\u2019t allowed to express how I felt, ask questions, or challenge their premise. Any of these things would guarantee more punishment. They didn\u2019t have time or concern for my feelings or perspective.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Parenting books for millennials explain that my baby\u2019s tantrums mean he feels safe with me to vent his anxiety and worries built up during the day, with unfamiliar teachers and routines and all. I\u2019m supposed to hold safe space for his feelings and, once he\u2019s calm, name the emotion he\u2019s feeling. \u201cYou\u2019re overwhelmed. It\u2019s been a full day at school and you need to decompress.\u201d This helps him develop emotional intelligence, self-regulation, empathy, the soft skills he needs for life. And these books always advise parents to make him feel loved and valued, with one way to do so is with affirming words like, \u201cI love you.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I’m on board with that. I want him to feel loved and develop in a wholesome way, to have what I didn\u2019t get and needed as a child. I want to parent differently than my parents.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I also want to raise him bilingually. I follow the One Parent One Language method: I speak exclusively to him in\u00a0ti\u1ebfng Vi\u1ec7t, my husband speaks exclusively in English. Having spent the first eight years of my childhood in Vietnam and speaking Vietnamese at home in Minnesota, I was confident about my ability to parent in\u00a0ti\u1ebfng Vi\u1ec7t\u00a0\u2014initially. After all, I can read and write\u00a0ti\u1ebfng Vi\u1ec7t. Years before I conceived him, I bought Vietnamese children\u2019s books \u2013 folktales of\u00a0T\u1ea5m\u00a0C\u00e1m,\u00a0Ch\u00fa Cu\u1ed9i,\u00a0H\u00f2n\u00a0V\u1ecdng\u00a0Phu; vocabulary-building books about colors and fruits; instructional materials; and CDs of popular songs like\u00a0K\u00eca\u00a0Con\u00a0B\u01b0\u1edbm\u00a0V\u00e0ng\u00a0and Con M\u00e8o\u00a0Tr\u00e8o\u00a0C\u00e2y\u00a0Cau.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I didn\u2019t need to think hard for Vietnamese words to come out of my mouth and couldn’t wait to speak it to my child \u2013 except in moments of big feelings, when I need to hold safe space for his emotions and help him name them.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

In those charged moments, I flounder trying to reach for words I don\u2019t know in Vietnamese. I wonder if they even exist because I\u2019ve never heard any Vietnamese person use them. Not just my parents, but anyone in the Vietnamese media or my community. I haven\u2019t seen words about feelings written in books, of today or from yesteryears.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

How do I say \u201cfrustrated\u201d in Vietnamese? I\u2019m looking for a word to use in everyday conversation, not a literary or archaic word used in poetry hundreds of years ago. It\u2019s not\u00a0gi\u1eadn\u00a0or\u00a0b\u1ef1c (anger)\u00a0or\u00a0th\u1ea5t v\u1ecdng (disappointment).\u00a0Google Translate isn\u2019t helpful in these situations. I can\u2019t ask my parents because that requires them to understand the word in English, which they can\u2019t if they don\u2019t even use its equivalent in Vietnamese.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

How do I tell my child that I\u2019m proud of him in Vietnamese? It\u2019s another word my parents never said to me growing up, and they probably never will. Do I say, \u201cM\u1eb9 t\u1ef1 h\u00e0o v\u00ec con\u201d?\u00a0That doesn\u2019t sound quite right; doesn’t that mean, \u201cI\u2019m proud of myself because of you?\u201d Like the way Vietnamese parents brag about their children\u2019s accomplishments as their own. Whereas I want to tell my child that I\u2019m proud of him because\u00a0he\u2019s<\/em>\u00a0great, not because he serves as an accessory to boost my image, the way my parents have often done with me.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Are there distinct Vietnamese words for annoyance versus irritation? Anger versus rage? Happiness versus ecstasy? Melancholy versus sadness versus depression? What words do I use to distinguish different degrees of a feeling? If there are such words, these words weren\u2019t in the Vietnamese vocabulary of my childhood\u2014and to this day.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I\u2019m forced to confront the fact that the Vietnamese language as I know it was passed to me intertwined with intergenerational trauma. In my parents\u2019 home, Vietnamese was used to give commands, to criticize and blame, to reprimand, to judge, to communicate mundane technicalities and instructions. It was frequently used in a violent, hurtful way. My parents talked to me using pronouns\u00a0“m\u00e0y” and “tao”. “Ba\u00a0m\u1eb9” and “con” were diplomatic words reserved only for times when we had guests over or someone Vietnamese could overhear them. We didn\u2019t use\u00a0ti\u1ebfng Vi\u1ec7t\u00a0to express feelings or validate them, that\u2019s what music and poetry were for. It wasn\u2019t used to build emotional closeness or to make amends\u2014they resorted to food for that.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I want my child to learn Vietnamese, but I also want to protect him from the emotional bruises my parents dealt me. I want to pass on the language, but without passing on the trauma. Implementing millennial-era parenting techniques in\u00a0ti\u1ebfng Vi\u1ec7t\u00a0requires creative re-engineering of our language. It feels like a lot of work, because I keep having to do linguistic research to find the correct Vietnamese term or even invent one, and then say it repeatedly with a straight face until I don\u2019t feel like a weirdo and not care if other Vietnamese speakers think I am. I have to both learn\u00a0and<\/em>\u00a0normalize a version of everyday\u00a0ti\u1ebfng Vi\u1ec7t\u00a0that can communicate tenderness, love, and rich emotions.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I\u2019m exhausted. Adjusting to a new daycare routine mean less sleep every morning, more stress rushing to my office to get there on time, working efficiently to get everything done before rushing off to pickup, cooking and feeding dinner to a toddler who\u2019s having a tantrum, and wrestling with his big feelings right through to his bedtime routine. I\u2019m short on patience and energy but I still try finding the right words in Vietnamese.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

On days like this, when I don\u2019t know how to name feelings, I find myself replacing the word with a long phrase that describes events around the feeling: \u201cT\u1ea1i con ch\u01b0a quen l\u1edbp m\u1edbi \u0111\u00f3 m\u00e0.\u201d\u00a0Or I dismiss the feeling:\u00a0\u201c\u0111\u00e2u c\u00f3 sao\u201d. Or I distract my son with a command: “v\u00f4\u00a0gh\u1ebf\u00a0ng\u1ed3i!” Or I change the topic altogether:\u00a0“l\u1ed7\u00a0m\u0169i\u00a0c\u1ee7a\u00a0Thanh Tr\u00ed\u00a0\u0111\u00e2u?”\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Oftentimes I can\u2019t name my own feelings in Vietnamese (what\u00a0is<\/em>\u00a0the word for “frustrated\u201d?)\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

If we are to outgrow intergenerational trauma, we need to evolve our Vietnamese language. That\u2019s a big task in my parenting journey, an additional burden most days. For now I say,\u00a0\u201cM\u1eb9 th\u01b0\u01a1ng con\u201d, as I hold him wailing into my ears, his tears and snot dripping on my shoulder.\u00a0M\u1eb9\u00a0th\u01b0\u01a1ng\u00a0con.\u00a0I love you<\/em>. Even these simple words sound revolutionary to say, because no mother said it to their child in everyday conversation\u00a0when I was growing up. But I say it anyway. It\u2019s within my reach. It tells my baby what I want him to know. It\u2019s enough, at least for this moment.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n

\r\n\r\n
\r\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n

Angelina Tr\u00e2m Nguy\u1ec5n writes about mental health, historical trauma, and healing for Vietnamese millennials. She\u2019s currently working on a book manuscript on these topics. She shares short essays on angelinatram.com and even shorter paragraphs on Instagram @angelinatramnguyen.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How do I say \u201cfrustrated\u201d in Vietnamese? I\u2019m looking for a word to use in everyday conversation, not a literary or archaic word used in poetry hundreds of years ago. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":35,"featured_media":52623,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_vp_format_video_url":"","_vp_image_focal_point":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[29,1940],"tags":[2105,2074],"yoast_head":"\nWhat's the Vietnamese Word for Frustrated? - DVAN<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dvan.org\/2023\/01\/whats-the-vietnamese-word-for-frustrated-by-angelina-tram-nguyen\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What's the Vietnamese Word for Frustrated? - DVAN\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How do I say \u201cfrustrated\u201d in Vietnamese? 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